One of the gravest but least discussed crises of our time is the loss of meaningful friendships. Sociologists and wonks have rightly observed the decline in friendships, with a report from the American Enterprise Institue summarizing survey data states:
“Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”
The statistical decline of friendship is worrisome, but less worrisome than the decline of the depth of friendship. It seems as though friendship as an idea, has been lost to history. The idea of two kindred souls, bearing one another’s burdens, oriented towards a common good and grounded in truth is foreign to our present culture.
The country song If You Go Down I’m Going Down Too by Kelsi Ballerini presents a vision of modern friendship that, while, extreme, resonates with our present age. It is a story of absolute loyalty, even in defiance of moral truth, for the pursuit of some shared goal. The lyrics, when read, without a pop country twang and upbeat fiddle, gives psychotic description of friendship.
“Hypothetically, if you ever kill your husband, hand on the Bible, I’d be lying through my teeth”
This version of friendship is groundless, baseless, and ultimately unfulfilling. Contemporary definitions of friendship define it by the affection in which two people share. Encyclopedia Brittanica describes it as a “state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people.” This encompasses our modern spirit, where things are assessed by their emotional value and affection is our enduring beatitude.
On the contrary, Jacques Maritain in his essay Prayer and Intelligence makes the critical observation “Love must proceed from Truth.” A love founded on passions, or a reckless fidelity in evil, is not truly love.
To properly understand friendship, we should turn to those who contemplate higher things. Specifically, the saints who live the fullness of Christian life. One of the great writers on friendship in the Catholic intellectual tradition is the 12th century Cistercian monk St. Aelred de Rievaulx. In his classic work, Spiritual Friendship, he cites Cicero’s description of friendship as “agreement in all things divine and human with benevolence and charity.” This definition differs starkly from the modern definition provided by the Encyclopedia, which focuses more on the state of the passions, rather than objective abiding in truth. Another translation renders Cicero’s definition as “a complete accord on all subjects human and divine, joined with mutual goodwill and affection.” Given the two definitions, I am inclined to prefer the latter, though I cannot say which is more faithful to the original Latin.
Regardless, there is an intellectual component to friendship, a shared agreement between parties on matters of important subjects. For a friendship to maintain any sort of depth, there must be a shared set of convictions which you delight in, it is not possible to have friends whose fundamental convictions you consider evil. This principle is not absolute, I myself have several friends (one of whom stands out) who do not share my religious or political convictions but may share my convictions about the necessity of living a virtuous, well-examined life, and this ground forms the foundation we build.
Friendship involves a deep sharing of life, which is profoundly difficult if you lack agreement on the deepest questions known to man. Friendship involves not just a shallow sentimentality, or a weak affirmation, but a deep union of souls. St Aelred gives his lofty definition of friendship:
Furthermore, a friend is called the guardian of love, or, as some prefer, the guardian of the soul itself. Why? Because it is proper for my friend to be the guardian of mutual love or of my very soul, that he may in loyal silence protect all the secrets of my spirit and may bear and endure according to his ability anything wicked he sees in my soul. For the friend will rejoice with my soul rejoicing, grieve with it grieving, and feel that everything that belongs to a friend belongs to himself.
We see that friendship involves an intimate sharing of oneself with another. It is not something that should be taken lightly or is it something that should be offered without thought. This is contrast with the theological virtue of charity, which is supposed to be offered to all mankind, as is commanded by God (John 13:34-35). From this, we may conclude, with Cicero that we ought to be selective about those whom we befriend, as it is a deep commitment and requires great virtue. Friends see each other as they are, in their vulnerability, and weakness. True friends see the deepest parts of one another, bear each other’s heaviest burdens. This deep definition of friendship as a sharing of souls contrasts heavily with the shallow sentiment described by the modern encyclopedia definition, and the definition received in modern culture.
St. Thomas, refers to humans as wayfarers, stumbling back towards our eternal home. Though this journey has its thorns, we were never meant to bear them alone. God, who’s offer of salvific friendship is the sole path to eternal life. But God is overly generous, and so in addition to his eternal love, he offers us friendship with the saints, who serve as eternal encouragement. He also offers us friendship with the saints in progress on Earth, the Church militant. Though the latter two friendships are subordinate to charity, all three are of great importance in the Christian life. So, grab some friends, pray together, philosophize together, laugh together, cry together, and run together on the race towards beholding the face of God.
Questions to Consider When Choosing Your Friends
What are my principled moral, religious, and philosophical convictions?
What kind of life do I want to lead?
What activities do I enjoy?